Granted, I’m (only) 52, but given the fact I am weirdly accident prone, who knows whether today I might trip over a rollerskate and puncture my jugular on a drinking straw? In case of such an unfortunate event, I felt it prudent to share some pearls of wisdom with future generations. Accident prone though I may be, this Mother Hen is no dummy. Here is what I know:
- Chickens aren’t very bright. Until you try to catch one. A hen on the run has the calculating mind of Judit Polgár and the legs of Usain Bolt.
- You will be late. For everything. Just accept it and move on.
- Hair is only on your head to mock you. It looks stunning when you have nowhere to go, and the rest of the time it just lays there like it has no idea you spent three hours coaxing it into any semblance of style.
- One is never so hungry as when dieting.Even if you haven’t yet cut a single calorie or carb, the very idea of counting them brings on the most powerful desire for food. Weird. But true.
- Drinking a glass of wine while preparing dinner is one of the greatest joys in life. Don’t force me to rank it, because it is probably somewhere between “holding my first child” and “holding my first grandchild,” and I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
- If you go on holiday, you will get sick.Maybe before, during or after, but there will probably be body fluids involved at some point. I’m not saying “don’t go on holiday.” Just if you do, bring tissues, painkillers and Imodium. You will need one or all three at some point. Trust me on this one.
- Dogs on leashes never do number twos.They only ever go when they are off-lead and a minimum 50 yards away, therefore assured an audience of disapproving grannies and the ability to run to the next county before you are able to clean up after them. It’s the first law of dogs. (The second law of dogs is that there is ALWAYS more wee. Always. A male dog’s bladder is a flippin’ Artesian aquifer. No joke.)
- Your mother will always consider you her baby. So be nice to her, no matter how old, silly or socially inappropriate she may be. She is the only person who will always have your back no matter what. Never forget that.
- Kids need quantity time not quality time. Waste loads and loads of time with your kids and grandkids. Laugh and get grubby with them. A little glue or mud won’t hurt anything, and they’re only little once.
- You will always spend every penny you earn. Or very nearly. Getting ahead is a myth invented by stingy people.
- Embarrass yourself on a daily basis. It makes other people feel better about themselves.
- Laughter cures almost everything.Except a headache.
- Fake it til you make it.Paste on that smile even when you aren’t feeling it. Before long, it will be genuine.
- Apologise. Even if you don’t think it is your fault. Some of it probably is anyway and you just haven’t worked it out yet.
- There is no room for pride in a marriage.Sorry, but there just isn’t. This person knows each and every one of your faults anyway, so who the heck are you kidding? Get over yourself and refer to point 14.
- If you take a step and your foot slides, it is poo. No, there is no need to check the sole – just accept that it is poo and sort it out. Yes, there is a complicated matrix for determining the probability of poo on your shoe (calculate the value of shoes by the number of minutes you are already late, divided by the number of shoes affected plus the distance you must yet travel to clean said shoe or shoes…) but it is easier to just accept that sometimes in life, you will put your foot in it. You just will, both literally and metaphorically. In which case, applying points 11 through 13 might come in handy. And possibly 14 as well.
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