If, in the unlikely event you are a follower of this blog (my subscribers, apart from you, are AWESOME!), I just wanted to let you know how very much I appreciate you kicking in my back doors and breaking into our home while we were vacationing in America. Nothing adds to the excitement of a holiday like knowing you have been burgled!
Those worries I had about being bored with all that extra relaxation time on my hands went straight out the window. I so appreciate you bringing me down to earth with a bump and reminding me that we must never, ever be too happy. This is because there are losers like you in this world who would rather steal from law-abiding citizens that actually go to work and earn a living.
Not that I am bitter.
You were pretty brave going into the house via the backdoor, and even braver rummaging through my underwear drawers in search of anything valuable. Of course, because I’m actually fairly smart, I always take anything of real value with me, and what you got away with, I have insurance to cover.
I was hoping you wouldn’t feel guilty, seeing as how you have done so many great things for me, but in that narrow window when you decided to break into my house? Our house sitter had just taken our grandson to the emergency room to get his head stitched up. (He had fallen over at school and cracked his head open. Perhaps you remember school? Okay, maybe not…)
Well, I guess this just shows that no good deed ever goes unpunished. I tell you, lessons like these can’t possibly be learned any other way, and so I owe you my thanks. Lesson learned. Well done, you!
You also stole my brand-new laptop, not to mention a rare sum of cash we had in our house. This we had on hand to pay for booking basketball weekly for some of the young ones in our congregation. Perhaps there will come a day in your life when you think about someone besides yourself and you decide to do something kind as well. If that day comes, I hope nobody steals your basketball money.
Really, it was just as well that you took this because I actually know how hard it is to earn cash, and, since you probably cannot hold it down a job on account of your uselessness, I am sure you needed it more than we did. Let’s just chalk this up to one more of our charitable acts, shall we?
I realise you will just wipe my laptop and sell it on. That’s okay. It was encrypted. I have no doubt there will be some poor mug out there who doesn’t mind buying hot goods, and after all, how else will you pay your dealer? I would really hate for you go without the necessities of life. You know, food, air, weed… However, now that I have to start from scratch re-entering all of my financial records, I can thank you for the time I have spent staring at my (new!) computer* screen, hand keying in all my lost data. Yay. And now that I am typing one-handed, it is even more fun!
Yes, my illustrious bottom feeder, you have done me a wealth of favours.
But of the many lovely things you have done to me, I must thank you most of all for subjecting me to the humiliation of my (male!) house sitter and the police having to rifle through of my delicate underthings. Really, your artistry in strewing my bras and knickers all over the upstairs was pretty remarkable. (James will never look at me the same way again, poor lad…)
I truly hope you enjoyed yourself. Particularly since the chances of a low-life like you getting that close to a girls underpants is about as close as you’ll ever come.
(Just so you know, I have now sent all the aforementioned items to the burn pile. Just. In. Case. )
*It’s an Apple. With GPS. Don’t even think about it.
- Feature photo: Shutterstock
- Hotel Monteleone, New Orleans: tripadvisor.com
- Oscar Wilde quote: sodahead.com
- Bra pile: flikr.com
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