I’m a big believer in being prepared.

Need a painkiller? I’ve probably got a Tylenol* hanging around the bottom of my handbag. It’s a little linty, but it’ll cure your headache. Safety pin? Well, a busty gal like me never leaves home without one. (Buttons, for the record, are pure evil!) Need any shade of lippy? Well, it’s no worse than kissing me I guess, so if you’re currently cold-sore-free, you’re welcome to it. Super glue? Lightly used Kleenex? Hand sanitizer? Oh yes. I’m on it.

On my daughter’s wedding day, when one of her bridesmaids put her heel through the hem of her taffeta gown, did I panic? No, of course not. Because the mother of the bride was packing duct tape! Yes, my friends. duct tape**. It fixes pretty much everything, and that pretty little girl marched right down the aisle with no one the wiser.

Thus, with my fiftieth birthday looming some months distant and now that the inevitability of age is beginning to catch up with me, I have decided to start laying plans for my geriatric years. Forewarned, after all, is forearmed.

What, I ask, is the alternative? To be a victim? To be bulllied into a crumpled corner, the aging wolfess bullied out of the pack by virtue of her silver mane? No, my friends. This is not my plan. Aging may be inevitable in this system of things, but it is an inevitability I choose to tackle head on and to go down fighting, fist aloft, shouting at the sky. (That is, of course, assuming I will go down at all!) So here it is:

My Plan for Joyous Geriatricity

1. I refuse to become a caricature of my former self. Is it time to lighten up on the eyeliner? Probably. The biggest mistake I can make during the change is to not change at all, and “cake-up” only makes me look older. Maybe it is also time to start forking out the big bucks for my clothes as well. Cheap clothes just look… well, cheap. No matter how trendy they may be on your average 25-year-old.
2. Avoid trudging down memory lane and comparing myself to my younger self. Boohoo, sister – get over yourself already! I’m not in my 20’s, and actually, I know a heck of a lot more now than I did then. Hey, I earned these lines around my eyes. They have come from laughing at how stupid I have been in the past. Young me was also pretty much stupid me in a lot of ways. There is no virtue in stupidity.
3. I will get more sleep, and will get to the gym regularly! Diabetes and heart disease are knocking on my door, and if I can’t keep them out forever, I will certainly take my good time in answering the call. Young folk (gosh, that makes me sound ancient!) can get away with little sleep, but it is time to teach this night owl how to settle in a little earlier. My wrinkles will thank me, and so will my joints. Sounds like a win-win.
4. I refuse to get a granny perm or to bob my hair! There are no rules about when a woman is too old for long hair… as long as it looks ok long, why cut it? Growing older does not have to mean giving up.
5. It is important to keep the romance alive in my marriage, no matter how old I am! I refuse to settle for a boring love life, I just do. Ok. So I’m older. So what? Who says young people have all the fun? If I remember correctly, I don’t recall having all that much fun when I was young, slim and beautiful. I was worried about EVERYTHING, and as we all know, worry is pretty much a passion killer on a good day. And I was young for what, two seconds? Why should the rest of my life be consigned to a life of midde aged boredom? I am nixing the stereotype. My older years are, and will continue to be, my very best!

Having said all of this, I cannot promise you won’t occasionally see me with freakishly bright lipstick clinging to my teeth in future. A few things are allowed to happen spontaneously – I am not unreasonable, after all.

Duct tape cannot fix my aging process, this is true. But as long as I have to live with the rips, wrinkles and flaws, I intend to embrace them. 

Mother Hen

• feature photo: Shutterstock
• duct tape: freedompreppers.com
• aging gracefully: pinterest.com

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